For those of you were vacationing in caves this pre-Memorial Day week (or whose TiVo recordings cut off right after Ryan Seacrest said, "And the winner, by 12 million votes, is David..."), David COOK became the first "rocker" to win American Idol in the show's seven-season history. Congratulations to the soul-patched wonder (already a true rock star, the guy cried when he won without smearing his guyliner one itsy bit). And here's hoping that Cook's post-show career follows the upward trajectory of fellow rockin' Idol Chris Daughtry, as opposed to, say, that of Nikki McKibbin or Constantine Maroulis. But with a lackluster first single like "The Time Of My Life," we're not so sure...maybe Cook was really crying because 19 Management stuck him with such a lousy song.

Although Cook's victory was cause for confetti-flecked celebration (at least among rock 'n' roll fans and non-residents of runner-up David Archuleta's home state, Utah), unfortunately the rest of this week was dominated by much darker, much less celebratory news. For instance, elder rocker Steven Tyler, of Aerosmith fame, checked himself into Dr. Drew Pinsky's famous "Celebrity Rehab" clinic, shockingly after nearly TWO DECADES of sobriety. That's pretty bad news on top of pretty bad news for Steven's daughter Liv Tyler, who just last week announced her split from her rocker husband, former Spacehog frontman Royston Langdon. But maybe it's good news to whomever wrote this joke article in The Onion--a joke that, 11 years later, has somewhat unfunnily come true.

Speaking of sad news and celebrity splits, more details have been uncovered regarding the divorce between country hottie Shania Twain and her considerably less hot estranged producer husband, Mutt Lange. See, People magazine reported this week that the dissolution of the Twain-Lange union is directly connected to Mutt's alleged affair with Marie-Anne Thiébaud, the couple's (also-married!) longtime secretary. If this is true, then wow, Mutt really is a dog.

Meanwhile, Usher and his newish bride/babymama, Tameka Foster, are denying "100 percent not true" gossip about their own breakup, which was reported on the website theybf.com. "Usher and Tameka are currently traveling in Europe together as a family on his promotional tour. This rumor is completely false," Usher's famous manager, Benny Medina, assured E! News.

We're relieved to hear that Usher isn't saying "Yeah!" to divorce just yet--and hopefully not ever, though you never know how long any showbiz couple will last these days. Honestly, Benny Medina ought to be more concerned with the marital stability of his other superstar client, Mariah Carey, right about now...

So the aforementioned Tyler and Twain are headed to divorce court, but other courtrooms are just as bustling with the trials and tribulations of various pop stars. First, the trial of Usher's "Same Girl" duet partner R. Kelly is underway, and things are not looking very good for R&B's controversial loverman. Second, Phil Spector, a famous record producer with an even more troubled personal life than producer Mutt Lange, will be back in court on September 29, when he is tried again for the slaying of actress Lana Clarkson (his first murder trial ended last year with a 10-2 locked jury, in favor of a guilty verdict).

But hey, it's not all bad legal news for musicians this week. For instance, New York governor David Paterson just granted a full and unconditional pardon to eyepatched '80s rapper and onetime accused murderer Slick Rick--which means Rick probably won't get deported to his native Britain, as was previously planned. Who knows, Phil Spector might be hoping to have the same luck in his own murder case...but we don't really envision California governator Arnie Schwarzenegger placing a call to Phil's L.A. courthouse any time soon.

And finally, this week's blog has had it usual unfair share of sad news, but nothing nearly as sad as this: Maria Sue Chapman, the 5-year-old daughter of Christian music star Steven Curtis Chapman, was accidentally, tragically struck and killed Wednesday by an SUV driven by her teenage brother. Please feel free to post your condolences to the entire Chapman clan on the message board below at this extremely difficult time.

And on that truly downer note, thus concludes another confusing, bemusing, and unfortunately not all that amusing week in music news. Come back next Friday for more (hopefully happier) weekly updates, have a great three-day holiday weekend...and until then, goodnight, and good music.

THIS WEEK'S TOP 10 STORIES:

1) David Wins! - But American Idol viewers who recorded the show on their DVRs just weren't sure which David triumphed, specifically.

2) Chapman's Family Tragedy - Steve Curtis's daughter is accidentally killed by her own brother in an SUV crash.

3) Steven Tyler Walks This Way Into Rehab - The long-sober Aerosmith singer falls off the wagon.

4) R. Kelly Back In Court - He may have to dedicate his song "U Saved Me" to his long-suffering lawyer.

5) Slick Rick Pardoned - He once served five years on an attempted murder rap,  but now the old-school hip-hopper has been exonerated by New York's governor.

6) Man, It Feels Like Another Woman - People magazine reports that Shania Twain's estranged husband has been having an affair.

7) Janet's New Escapade - Ms. Jackson is going on tour for the first time in seven years.

8) Usher Still With His Boo - The R&B star denies divorce rumors.

9) Court Can't Get Its Fill Of Phil - Spector's second murder trial begins September 29.

10) What's In A Name? - Plenty...which is why Nas has decided to change his controversial album title.