It is a fact that all red-blooded American men love a good female-on-female fight. Case in point: When Bret Michaels made the finalists battle for his affections in a muddy tackle-football match on this week's episode of Rock Of Love, he clearly enjoyed watching the bodyslamming girls get down 'n' dirty.

However, every time that two beeyotches on this show get embroiled in some high-school-style rivalry and annoyingly drag Bret into it, one of them gets invariably cut. Because Bret just wants nothin' but a good time, dang it. He doesn't want to get caught in the middle of some gossippy she said/she said drama. No guy wants that, really.

For instance, a couple weeks ago there was a literally fur-flying showdown between certifiably insane PETA proponent Lacey and animal-eatin' Dallas, in which Bret was forced to suffer through some gabby meat-is-murder debate between the two of them while pretending to not look at their boobs. This resulted in Bret not doing Dallas, who was subsequently sent packing with her suitcase full of un-P.C. pelts and leather pants.

And this week, the catty battle between dead-eyed, silicone-stuffed Hooters queen Erin and fake-baked professional "dancer" Heather (the house narc, sort of the Rock Of Love counterpart to Flavor Of Love snitch Red Oyster) led to Erin's elimination.

So which girls will participate in the next Rock Of Love battle royale? Chances are one of them will be Lacey (with her "crazy eyes," as Bret put it); for someone who exhibits such kindness for animals, she's quite animalistically ferocious when it comes to taking on her opponents (or "victims," as she prefers to call them). I wish any girls who spar with that raging redhead much luck, 'cause they're going to need it.

I also suggest that Lacey and any other warring women on this show settle their differences in a manner that Bret would appreciate: i.e., within the roped-off confines of a wrestling ring filled with copious amounts of mud, Jell-O, whipped cream, or some other gooey substance. Because judging from what happened to Dallas and Erin, that's the only way that feuding finalists are likely to make it to the next round.